Saturday, September 11, 2010

Burn them up!!

Really hate something? Go ahead and burn it up, ladies. If Terry Jones, yeah that pastor who looks like Hulk Hogan’s sibling, could think of burning Korans, we can get ready and burn the rest of the world. So gear up,  ladies and make a list of things  you hate, and by hate I don’t mean moderately hateful stuff, like your kitchen sink, perhaps, or the jeans you could never get into, I mean real hate, like mouth-burning, eye-rolling kind of hate. Still don’t get it. Let me elucidate, I have a lot of time at hand today. And, by the way, Terry Jones has serious spelling issues, it is not nice when Anderson Cooper catches you for misspelling masquerade as ‘mascarade, ‘ and Muslim doesn’t have a big fat ‘O’ in it. OMG, you may say, but it’s too late, pastor. However, it is good that you have called off your Koran burning plan; nobody likes to see their holy book burn to ashes, that's just depressing. Now, I know I am digressing from my main point which was to burn like hell all the stuff you and I hate, by the way, that, obviously, doesn’t include living people. But there is another way to burn the dear living souls you just can’t stand. I remember watching one episode of the talk show hosted by Tyra Banks, and cutting aside the drama, she suggested something really cool that might save you from a trip to hell for burning somebody. She suggested you collect a number of soda cans, or beer cans, whichever you prefer, but it has to be a can and it has to be kickable, so you collect the cans and using your Sharpie write across their faces names of people you really hate, one can at a time, one name at a time depending on the hating ratio, meaning the person who you hate the most is awarded the first can. So, you might have to drink a couple of more sodas this weekend, but what the hell, like anyone cares!  Now after you finish scribbling the name think about her/him really hard, think all the bad things the person said about you, how she hurt you, etc. And think till you are ready and fired up, then put on your high heels and stomp on the can. Caveat numero uno: make sure you are home alone if you don’t want to be considered fit for a little trip to the sanitarium. After you have finished stomping the poor can and the metal has flattened considerably, you throw it in the bin and say adios, amigo or amiga depending on the person’s gender. Once you are done with it, it is guaranteed you will feel as light as snow, and you don't want to pull that person’s hair when you see her in person either.  Try this at home and then light a bonfire to celebrate your freedom. And in it throw in the stuff that really need to burn: pieces that have been inquinating your household and giving you too much stress, they could be anything from those damn old dresses you wish you hadn't bought to the journals where you wrote about your paramours of the past; burn them up, honey. Call your friends and host a burning soirĂ©e. I bet you will have a lot of fun. The fire-booth confession party, you will ponder in the later years, was the best thing you ever did. And God, wish Terry Jones could burn something with us. Of course he can -- his head!

Let us end this Saturday noon blabbermouth discussion with some fiery music. Enjoy this latest Sugarland fiesta I am currently hooked on. Have a fun weekend, and happy burning.