Mean, Mean Chowmein
Remember the Wodehouse classic Jeeves and the Old School
Chum, wherein the writer pens down the distressing events that unleashed in the
home of Bertie Wooster’s pal Bingo Little because of the advent of a certain
food-critic Laura Pike? The said Pike disgorged such horrific (mis) statements
about Bingo’s eating habits and the food he consumed that the peace of the
Little nest was completely shattered. Thanks to the cream of Jeeves’ cranium,
after a troubling time at home, the Pike was extricated from the Little
set-up and sanity restored to its
throne.
In the early afternoon of stark reality, I am quoting the
truisms of Wodeshouse fiction because the statements issued for the benefit of
the multitude (The Mango People: read Robert Vadra :-)) by the Khap compels me to consider the idea that we too
like Bingo Little need a Jeeves to mundify our social system. With the Khap
operating on the premises and issuing such noble avowals as Chowmein—yes that
humble delicacy we all enjoy— being culpable for sexual assaults on women, I
cannot but raise my hands and invoke the holy spirit of the butler to save us
from heading to the Purgatory!
As I lay praying, I hear the voice of conscience inside me
telling me to stop and consider the logic behind the septuagenarian sentiment
of high-fat foods leading to rapes in the Indian society. For a while I search
and search but can locate nothing. May be I am hidebound in my inability to
establish even an iota of logic behind the statement that fat foods –chowmein,
burgers, pizzas, etc.— are responsible for sexual assaults on women. I find
myself asking how these foods corrode the human conscience and the moral lining
of the patriarchal intestines and ‘force’ naive males to commit rapes. How
indeed do these foods, chowmein most importantly, with their spicy, polluting
quotient erode the ethical setup of the male-brain? That the Khap could equate
rape with chowmein makes its members even greater verbarians than Alexander
Pope. Don’t you feel that abaxial though their argument may seem, the Khap
should be awarded for the novelty of it nonetheless? Only heightened
intellectual ability coupled with years of academic labor can lead to such
high-class wisdom that can put two asymmetrical social elements, one a pillar
of human sustenance, i.e., food (regardless of it being high or low in the fat
content) and another the basest of crimes performed in society, i.e., rape, on
the same level.
And yet, all the while as we discuss and split our remaining
hairs in our quest to decipher the invisible, esoteric equation behind the Khap
argument, we miss the most important point: we are all rapists. Don’t stare
goggle-eyed at me, and please don’t drop that drink on your snow-white table
cover. I know what you are thinking, but trust me I am not talking piffle. Let
me clarify my assertion, which is not my assertion at all, but the nugget of
truth, the quintessence of reality Khap put forward yesterday; I merely did the
math. The Khap said that chowmein leads
to rape, therefore every rapist eats chowmien; or in other words, everyone who
eats chowmein (and that includes children, women, female, male, cats, dogs,
rabbits, etc, and our brethren who sell the delicious rape-inducing delicacy as
well) are rapists or potential rapists. Beware of thyself, noble scholar, thou
art a rapist!
I see myself rushing to the mirror to inspect the grinning
face of an impending rapist; I don’t see anything that remotely suggests my
wish to pillage a youth of my community. Am I missing it, I wonder? Do take a
look at your reflection and let me know if you can see any rape-wrinkles, any
frown lines or acne spots which might be a precursor to your crime.
As I finish my blog post the epicurean soul suggests that I
need some comfort food to stiffen my sinews and summon up the blood. I can see
a plateful of slender serpentine threads dipped in soy sauce and stir-fried
with meat and veggies in a pool of oil. The delicacy redolent in her white dish
beckons me, and I cannot but surrender. Chowmein, thou “fruit of the Forbidden
Tree” your taste will bring rape and desolation into this world, and no great
man can restore us to our blissful seat! Alas, innocence is lost! With such
contingencies as the loss of Eden (not Eden Gardens) in my mind, I call up my
favorite Chinese take-out destination and place my order: One plate of mixed
Hakka noodles with a generous dash of the rape-spice :-)
Have a good one, dear friends!
Notes: "Khap
panchayat is the union of a few villages, mainly in north India though it
exists in similar forms in the rest of the country. Lately they have emerged as
quasi-judicial bodies that pronounce harsh punishments based on age-old customs
and traditions, often bordering on regressive measures to modern problems."
Don't eat chowmein, it leads to rape, says Haryana khap leader: :http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/khap-rape-chowmein/1/225031.html
Chowmein: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chow_mein
Image Courtesy: http://ayeshahaq.wordpress.com/2009/05/06/chicken-chow-mein/
